For a long time, I didn’t even know that my mother was schizophrenic and what exactly was wrong with her. But it was obvious to me that she was ill. She talked to the wall, to people who weren’t even there. If I wanted anything from her that wasn’t directly related to home but mainly to her old world, she would look at me and say, “What are you doing?” Then she turned her head away and said: “Leave us alone!”
Her diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenia.
But little was done, mainly because the grandparents (on my mother’s side, the others were no longer alive) were more concerned with their own shame and my grandfather actually seemed to hope that my mother would get better on her own.
Unfortunately, this hope is largely pointless, as the chances of a cure for schizophrenia are very low – early detection promises more chances, but this is still a long way off. As a rule, the symptoms continue to worsen and the illness gets worse. It is therefore good if something is done as early as possible. But what?
Accepting the illness
Probably the most important factor is whether your mother is able to understand her illness. In other words, does she accept that she is schizophrenic or not? This is mainly recognized in “good phases”. Because during a relapse, it is generally not to be expected that the schizophrenic mother (or the sick father) will recognize this for herself. I would even say that schizophrenia cannot be recognized by the sufferer themselves. My paranoid schizophrenic mother saw her environment as a threat (which is how paranoia manifests itself) and accused them of not being quite “right in the head” themselves.
But if the parent accepts the illness, a lot has already been gained! Then your schizophrenic mother (or father) should see a doctor. But this can be difficult, because when do you know until when the “good phase” will last or when the next one will come?
Parentification
Do you already do some of these tasks? Shopping, laundry, cleaning, repairs, taking care of finances? If you are taking care of your parents, it is already very clear that something is fundamentally wrong: You are taking on tasks that are not really your responsibility, especially if you are not yet of age.
The technical term for this is “parentification”, which can be translated as the “impoverishment of the child”, i.e. a role reversal in which the child becomes the caring “parent”, as it were. This means that you do things for the adults that the adults should actually be doing for you.
So this is also about you doing something for yourself! In fact, that’s the most important thing, because you still have your life ahead of you!
This may all sound very hard, but if the whole thing goes on for many years and you only then realize that you are not getting on with yourself and your life, you will have lost a lot of time in which you could have taken care of yourself and looked after yourself.
Reduction of Burdens
Indirectly, of course, the support for your parents also helps you. If your schizophrenic mother (or father) receives regular medical care and support, then you can live your life. But you have to get there first! And that’s not so easy, especially if you’re still a minor.
My advice: try to reduce the stress at home as much as possible. This may mean looking for alternative places to stay overnight if the stress at home becomes too great.
Professional Help
The easiest way is to contact your local youth welfare office yourself and tell them about your case. The best way to find the address and opening hours of your office is via Google or your city’s website. Enter youth welfare office and opening hours – and your location.
But why go there yourself? Quite simple: you can also try to call them first. But this can be tedious if you don’t have your own cell phone and can’t call from home without being disturbed. In this case, you could call from a good friend.
It is important that you tell the person on the phone that you need help or that you are calling because your child’s welfare is at risk. (Experts are still arguing about the extent to which mental illness constitutes a risk to a child’s welfare, but for now it is important that someone hears about your distress and the distress of your schizophrenic mother or father).
Speak openly, don’t sugarcoat things
As soon as you can talk to someone calmly, you should describe your situation, the problems at home and how you feel about them very openly and without embellishment. This is exactly what the youth welfare office is there for!
I know it’s all very difficult because you may feel ashamed, sad or maybe you’ve already been told not to tell anyone. However, it won’t help anyone if the situation remains as it is: your schizophrenic mother will continue to be unwell if no treatment is given and you will continue to be unwell because your situation is directly linked to your mother.
Of course, it is best if the employee from the youth welfare office can come to your home. This is difficult if there is no understanding of the illness (see above). In any case, the office will tell you how to proceed and what is possible.
Helping people to help themselves
But don’t forget: you also have needs and need an undisturbed home as well as the chance to grow up well and without unusual stresses! You should be well and this must be taken care of.
They may also suggest that you go to a professional with whom you can regularly talk about your worries, fears and needs. The youth welfare office can also help you with this. In concrete terms, this is called psychotherapy.
Addendum (from 26.09.2020): The article touches on a critical topic, namely the – potential – removal of the child from the family. I address this very sensitive topic here, where it concerns the relief of children.
