Identity and lifestyle in COPMI – with relief to decision-making.

Identity and lifestyle are closely related – not to say they are two sides of the same coin. Who I am is directly expressed in the way I live. This way, in turn, is based on decisions that I have made. In turn, I make these decisions because I know (in the best case: for sure) what I want.

Picture by Nátalie Rodrigues

Two factors of stress

In COPMI, this self-perception is massively disturbed. Two factors in particular inhibit decision-making.

On the one hand, there is the stress that the sick parent per se already causes. For example, the uncertainty of what will happen next or what the mother or father has done again leads to anxiety-laden situations.

On the other hand, the child cannot receive the same level of support (education!) because the parent is limited in his or her ability to raise the child. Feedback, attention, support – in short: love is limited here compared to other children. This also leads to stress, because the child demands this satisfaction of needs, but cannot sanction their absence. For example, it must learn to deal with fear and uncertainty and to regulate itself, i.e. to be able to come to rest. But this is only possible with the help of parents.

Both massively impair the formation of one’s own identity, because decisions require access to one’s own emotions, since decisions have more to do with “gut” than with “head”. Also, the “gut feeling” is much faster than the “reason of the head”, as we know not only since Daniel Kahneman. So asking for a quiet minute to reflect is not enough. And even then, shouldn’t decisions feel good?

But what if the feeling doesn’t cooperate? What if the access to one’s own self is blocked, for example because no inner peace wants to return?

In other words, who finds it easy to make important decisions in stressful situations? And if the ability to make decisions is additionally limited because I have not been able to learn for years how to make decisions (because that is also education: learning to take care of yourself), then it becomes almost impossible to come to a solution that feels good.

Relief of the child vs. promotion of resilience

This brings the demand for the child’s relief back into focus. For how else does the child come to his own decision-making ability? Often, instead, the child’s resilience, or resistance, is strengthened, or attempts are made to strengthen it. Only, resistance to what? In my view, even the strengthened child still has to prevail against adversity. Wouldn’t it be better if these adversities didn’t exist in the first place?

I would like to return once again to the development of identity, outlining a possible (negative) course in the child’s life: Important decisions may come (supposedly) late in life. For example, the choice of profession. But it’s not just about decisions of such magnitude, although making the wrong career choice is bad enough.

At its core, it’s an everyday task, because making decisions happens every day, thousands of times: What do I eat? What to wear? Where to go? Whom do I call? What do I answer to what?

The reference to emotions here is in the questions: How can I empathize with the other person? And how do I empathize with myself?

Own empathy or “I don’t know”.

If this empathy is not present, every day becomes a burden. Because clarity for oneself is the basic prerequisite to understand oneself as cosistent. But if this insecurity starts early, then the child becomes more and more “distant” from himself. Until at some point it gains the impression of not knowing itself, not feeling anything and therefore not wanting anything. The answer to many questions is then, “I don’t know.”

In terms of the implied course of life, this can have drastic consequences: At some point, one’s own life spreads out before the mind’s eye of this person and she/he wonders where she/he has ended up at all. Or what has become of her/his life.

This question is not a trivial one and it hits many and all of those people who at some point talk about the universally known midlife crisis. This crisis is an existential crisis in that it calls one’s life into question.

Wrong decisions, wrong life

In the case of COPMI, it then hits them doubly hard, because if good decisions have not been made so far either, then it is hard to imagine that the life course so far has been positive. how could he? If I am not able to “know” what I want and therefore then make the decisions that are good for me, inevitably inappropriate decisions must have been made: Profession, partner, hobbies, friends… these can all be “wrong” choices.

Thus, the formation of the child’s own identity should be the focus of support for COPMI. The first goal is not to promote resilience, but to mitigate stress. Only in the latter case is it ensured that the child’s focus on itself is promoted and thus, in the best case, can also succeed. If instead “only” the resistance forces are strengthened, the person is still busy coping with the threats.

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